Republican Debate Fun

I stayed up last night a little later than I normally do and watched all almost all of the 4th Republican presidential debate on Fox Business – which is a channel I somehow pay to have on my television. Last night’s debate was a little less insane than the previous three but that’s like saying Will Smith is a little less insane than Tom Cruise.

The debate was intended to focus on the economy – you know, being on Fox Business and all – and it was for the most part. But a debate wouldn’t be a debate without the candidates answering questions that nobody asked. Here are some quick observations.

Donald Trump

For reasons that are beyond all rational thought, Trump is still the leading Republican candidate. However, he spent most of his time last night defending his absurd plan to unilaterally deport 11 million people out of the country. He also was absolutely roasted by Rand Paul after he went on a long rant about “China coming through the back door” in response to a question about the Trans-Pacific Partnership treaty. Paul simply waited for Trump to finish his yapping and then pointed out China isn’t included in the TPP.

So there you go. Your leading Republican candidate, folks. Trump was quiet for most of the night – which isn’t good when the entirety of his success is based on being a blowhard. Although, he was able to sneak a sexist comment in by asking why Carly Fiorina is allowed to keep interrupting people. The crowd booed. Not the best night for Don Don.

Ben Carson

If Donald Trump is 1A in the polls, Ben Carson is 1B. He has come under scrutiny lately for some – shall we say – fabrications in his life history and his thoughts on the pyramids. Last night was a chance for Carson to clear the air and convince the people that he really was a violent teenager – I have no clue why this is an argument he wants to win.

Anyway, Ben Carson pitched the ever elusive perfect debate by not answering a single question the entire night. An incredible performance. He was totally incompetent discussing policy issues and wants to make the tax code fall in the line with the Bible – ??????? -. I am totally stumped by this man’s political ascension.

Marco Rubio

Rubio really turned on the politician switch. In a political climate that is rooting for outsiders, that isn’t the best thing to do. He played every bit the part of the career politician. Every question sent his way was merely an obstacle for him to get back to his stump speech and remind us that “this election is about the future.” Shockingly, Rubio was not asked about his questionable spending habits – a little surprising by the fact that this debate was focused on the economy. Rubio wasn’t great but I still am of the belief that he will ultimately win the Republican nomination.

Ted Cruz

Cruz is quickly becoming my favorite politician. I can’t get enough of this guy. How a person can spat out so many insane things in such a slow, deliberate manner is beyond me and I absolutely love it. I genuinely look forward to him answering questions. Cruz wants to abolish the IRS, compared the regulators in the federal government to a Biblical plague, and mentioned God anytime he got the chance. Ted Cruz is a robot. I am somewhat frightened of him. And it’s awesome.

Rand Paul

Although Rand’s polling numbers were barely high enough to qualify him for the debate, he finally had a good night. He went after Rubio for his plans on defense spending. “How is that conservative?” Paul asked to applause from the crowd. His policy answers were strong and he totally dismantled Donald Trump – see above. I’m not sure if his performance will be enough to keep his campaign alive but he did as good a job as he could have asked for last night.

Carly Fiorina

I have come to absolutely despise this woman and I really don’t even know why. She swears she has a plan to get our 70,000 page tax code down to three pages but has refused to put that plan in writing. If you played a drinking game during the debate and the rule was that you had to drink every time Fiorina said “crony capitalism,” then last night didn’t end well for you. She never answers a direct question. She wants to “take the government back” whatever the heck that means. I believe – and hope – that Fiorina’s short time in the sun is very close to an end.

John Kasich

Kasich came out firing by quickly attacking Trump’s ridiculous immigration plan. However, he couldn’t keep the momentum going and his performance was pretty forgettable.

Jeb Can Fix It!

Jeb continues to really suck at running for president. He followed up his first three bad debate performances with another stinker. His candidacy is in serious trouble and it would probably already be over if his last name wasn’t Bush. In a totally desperate move, Jeb hired a “TV wizard that trains Fox News anchors” to help his campaign. News flash: that was a waste of money and time. He tries to go after the other candidates but it comes off as weak. He can’t get out of his own way and always gives awkward responses. If there is a charisma gene, then W. got all of it.

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A lucky man. Also a lawyer. Classic oxymoron.

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